The Best Bar and Nightclub Jokes Ever

by: Nastasia Campanella

 
Having a boring day at the office or at uni, daydreaming about which bars or nightclubs you will be heading to this weekend? If so here is a few bar and nightclub jokes to break up the mediocrity of the daily grind.

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for 5 double shots. The bartender, a little surprised lines up the glasses and pours them out, assuming his mates are just round the corner. The man then, calm as a coma, knocks each shot back one after the other. The bartenders, amazed by this feat of drinking turns to the man and goes “that’s a big effort.” The man replies “you would drink quickly too if you had what I’ve got.” Curiously the bartender asks “what have you got mate” to which the man replies “no money.”

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink and asks the bartender how much? The bartender replies “no charge”

A man, after having 27 drinks at a nightclub decides to head home, grabs his car keys and heads to the car park. Struggling to walk, he finally gets to his car, takes him 3 goes to get the keys into the ignition, reverses into the car park wall and drives straight through the boom gate. Realising his wife is at home waiting for him, a decides to drive as fast as possible, swerving across the road erratically. A police car see’s this and pulls him over. The copper asks the man “mate do you know how fast you were going?” The man replies “How the fuck would I know, I’ve just had 27 drinks.”

A rabbi, a sheik and a priest all walk into a bar together holding hands singing “hari-krishna.” The bartender says to them “what is this some kind of bad joke?”

A penguin walks into a bar and with a sense of urgency asks the bar man “sir have you seen my brother, he’s missing and I can’t find him” to which the bar man replies “what does he look like?”

A man walks into a bar, and furiously yells ”all bouncer’s are assholes!!!” A man at the end of the bar stands up, slams his drink on the bar and yells “you better fucking take that back.” Shocked, the man says “why, are you a bouncer?” to which he replies “no… I’m an asshole.”

A cop is staking out a bar for drunk drivers. At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives off. When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0. The cop says, How is this possible? The guy says “I’m the designated decoy”